State of Mind & Subsonik (Feat. 3PM) - Somebody Stop Me

If you haven't already nabbed State Of Mind's Live album, recorded at Homegrown in Wellington last February, then sort it out now. Check that remix of Sunking!

Also on a Kiwi tip, Concord Dawn have a new album out. Video for These Prison Walls is pretty nifty too.

DJ Shadow - Scale It Back (Calyx & TeeBee Remix)

Lovely Calyx and TeeBee remix business. Check their mix for Friction's Radio 1 D&B show here.

Fifteen Things MCs Say

Anyone who has ever had the misfortune to stand near me on a night out will no doubt have had to put up with one of my rambling diatribes against MCs. Back in the day, I've been restrained whilst attempting to launch a shoe at Wrec and escaped a shanking from some scary blokes after asking a blathering track-suited idiot to shut the hell up and get off the mic during a Sub Focus set (after which he fist-bumped me and gave me a shoutout. I think he rather missed the point of what I was saying).

However, in recent years, I've found myself taking a softer line against the MC and even find some of them almost enjoyable, provided they keep their mouths shut for most of the set and keep the mic turned way down. I can appreciate that some people really quite enjoy the impact of MCs on live D&B and it's gotta be said that some of those lyrical MCs "got mad skillz", but at best they are an acceptable distraction, bigging up the DJs and keeping the crowd going, at worst they can ruin a set.



Anyway, like them or loathe them, MCs are as much a part of drum and bass as swinging is to caravan ownership. The only real qualities required to become an MC are the ability to count up to four and a complete disregard for the mood and enjoyment of your audience. You certainly don't need any real creative skills as MCs have been spouting the same nonsense for the past twenty years. As a result of this, there's a wealth of clichéd rubbish out there in the public domain, free for the taking for those who wish to ply their trade as a master of ceremonies.

Let's have a quick run down of the most common MC lines. I'd imagine you could create some sort of bingo-style drinking game around these, although what with the price of booze in clubs these days and the frequency MCs run out the same tired old lyrics, it could rapidly become quite an expensive evening.

1. "WATCH THE DROP!"
Yeah mate, way to ruin the impact by yelling all over it.

See also:
"Watch the mix!"

2. "This one's for the ladies!"
Any track with female vocals, from Jenna G's wailing to Riya singing about her Amazon delivery failing to arrive, is automatically "One for the ladies" apparently. Seems a little sexist if you ask me. Everyone knows that Netsky is the go to producer for girly D&B these days anyway.

3. "Where's my weed smokers at?!"
Well since the smoking ban came in to force five years ago, they definitely aren't on the dancefloor. Try outside?

4. "OH MY DAYZ!"
Yeah yeah, we all just heard the double drop, no need to go on about it.

5. "If you got two hands lemme see two hands"
Bit discriminatory towards those in the crowd who have lost hands or arms in farming accidents or whilst serving their country eh?

6. "Lemme hear ya Cable\Fabric\Daventry!"
No. Shush.

See also:
"MAKE SOME NOISE!"
"Somebody say bo!"

7. "When I say drums, you say bass..."
"Drums!" "SHUT".
"Bass!" "UP".

See also:
"When I say High, you say Contrast"
When I say Renegade, you say Hardware"
"When I say jobseekers, you say allowance"

8. "INSIDE THE PLACE"
I literally don't know what this even means.

9. "OI OI OI OI!"
Yep, that's generally how drum and bass works, thanks for pointing that out.

See also: "ONE TWO THREE FOUR."

10. "Buddah buddah buddah buddah buddah buddah bo check me one time when you check my flow..."
Jesus wept just shut up!

11. "Who knows this one?!"
EVERYONE knows Racing Green. Please stop ruining it.

See also:
"This one's for the heads that know..."

12. "Ya know we never stop dancing dancing dancing dancing"
Well I'm going outside for a smoke unless you stop singing singing singing singing.

13. "REWIND!"
MCs always seem to shout for a rewind on the worst tracks. Or maybe they're just covering cos the DJ fluffed it. Either way, nothing is more tedious than an MC who's too trigger happy with the rewinds.

See also:
"RELOAD!"

14. "...it's all about the music..."
Then stop rambling over the top of it yeah?

15. "Who's still with me?!"
Nobody, SOD OFF!

MCs aren't all bad news though, sometimes they can be just about bearable (check Conrad and Lowqui) and SP:MC has his moments, provided he's not performing live. The only real way to deal with them is just to go with the flow and try not to get too wound up. Who knows, maybe you'll even end up enjoying yourself?

Logistics - Winter Blues VIP

It's sunny outside! Time for an inappropriately titled Logistics track.

Whilst on the subject of Logistics, where the hell did Fibreglass come from? Seem to remember it popping up in mixes over the past year, but why wasn't it on Fear Not? Biggest oversight since Toy Town was left off Crash Bang Wallop!

Anyone else got this abomination stuck in their head by the way? Mixes frighteningly into Murderation :(

Mefjus - Double Tap

Logistics has been bigging Mefjus up a lot recently, and rightly so. Proper ERD vibes on Double Tap.

Culture Shock - I Remember

Straight up chemistry from Culture Shock.
I Remember is dropping on July 2nd. Check Troglodyte on the flipside. It'll kick your cat out the window.

Luke Vibert - Breakbeat Metal Music

Saw Luke Vibert on Saturday (backed up by 808 State and AGT Rave Cru).

Bit of acid house made a change from the regular D&B business. Always a good night when Vibert is in charge.

Breaking Into The World Of Work

One of the best things about being unemployed and looking for a new job is filling out endless application forms, writing cover letters and emailing CVs towards disinterested HR departments. When first starting out on the road to re-employment, I was filled with optimism. Surely people will see that I am perfect for these jobs and hire me immediately without even needing an interview? However, after sending out my 300th application and receiving no acknowledgement whatsoever, I sort of began to lose faith slightly. After the 500th, it seems like things are taking the piss somewhat.

A while back I came to the conclusion that I must be doing something wrong here. Obviously, if I'm not getting anywhere, my methodology must be broken, right?

Let's take a look at the standard cover letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to submit my application for the role of dispensary optician/head of promotions/lyrical MC/chimney sweep/whatever for Microsoft/Burger King/The British National Party/Alton Towers/whoever as advertised on jobseekers.direct.gov.uk/Gardeners World Magazine/railings on a roundabout at junction 5 of the M4/during a lucid dream/etc.


I would be awesome for this job because I can lift four times my own bodyweight/I've never seen any of the Godfather movies/I own and operate my own hovercraft/I went to uni once/something else. I also full fill all of the criteria outlined in the advert/person specification/the lyrics to There She Goes by Manfred Man as a result of my time in prison/the RAF/France/other places. Blah Blah Blah.


Please find my CV attached.
Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate.


Pretty standard eh? Well apparently that isn't getting results, so I've begun to experiment with the cover letter and application formula to see if I can get some better results. Listed below are a few of the different approaches I've tried in the past round of applications. I'll get back to you over the following weeks to update you on my success (or lack thereof).

1. Attaching a picture of my cat Huxley along with the CV and application form.

My thinking behind this is, not only will it make my application stand out more, but also, who can resist that cute kitten? Although I make no reference to Huxley in the rest of the application (it's for a job managing hedgerow replanting), I'm thinking that the lack of cat pictures in applications may be what is currently holding me back.

2. Peppering the cover letter with swearwords in order to make it sound more like The Wire.

Although one of the things that people tell you never to do in a job interview is swear, I've never been advised against this when writing a cover letter. David Simon's incredible drama series The Wire has long been praised for its fantastic writing and is regarded by many to be one of the best drama series of recent years. I hope to build on the success of The Wire in my quest for employment. Let's see how things work out when I Wireify the cover letter:

Dear Sir or motherfucking Madam,

I am writing to submit my fucking application for the role of motherfucking communications officer as advertised up on the reed.co.uk website yo.

I am a fucking environmental science graduate, and love bees and sheep and shit. During my fucking degree course I specialised in renewable fucking low carbon bullshit and am looking to gain skills in marketing and sales and get my ass paid yo. I run fucking report writing and database management skills deep and gots like five fucking years experience in communications and shit. I am fucking detailed and efficient in my work and will seriously fuck your shit up. If it ain't like I'm not highly motivated by a sense of fucking environmental responsibility and a desire to get this shit up in other people's grills then step the fuck off.

Please find my fucking CV and motherfucking Equal Opportunities form attached.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,

Jobless and desperate

Wonder how that one will play out?

3. Messing around with the equal opportunities form.

Not all applications require these things, but increasingly you have to fill out an additional form in order to state how religious or gay you are and to describe any disabilities that you might have. Charities, local government and the civil service seem to love these forms for some reason. Apparently it's something to do with making sure everyone gets a fair bash at employment, so I guess they're a good thing. Usually I just tick the "White British" box, because that's probably the category that most closely describes me. Increasingly though, I've been thinking outside the box and have listed myself in recent times as "White, Inuit", "Gender confused" and suffering from "extreme tinnitus" (actually that last one is partially true). Although I am slightly concerned about the potential legal ramifications of answering these forms with gibberish, I have a sneaking suspicion that no one reads them anyway.

4. MS Paint person specification shenanigans.


Some other advice that employed people are always keen to tell you is that it's important to make sure that you provide examples for every section of the person specification in order to illustrate how exactly it is that you meet the criteria outlined in the job advert. In order to do this, I thought it might be a good idea to get creative with everybody's favourite graphic design program; MS Paint. Here are a few of the drawings I sent out for a recent application and the outline given in the person spec.

Excellent interpersonal and influencing skills.

Regular access to a computer and the ability to use spreadsheet and database packages.

Able to think on ones feet and able to handle unexpected and challenging situations.

Make sure you save your illustrations as .JPG files and not .BMPs. My first attempt to send this application got bounced by their email server because it was over 50 mb in size.

5. Haiku cover letter


Who doesn't like a good haiku eh? They're beautiful and certainly one of the highest art forms ever created by mankind.

Dear Sir or Madam,


I seek employment.
Check out my awesome CV
A job must follow.


Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate

Hell yeah! Out of all of these, I reckon this one has the most chance of succeeding.

Anyway, tune in over the coming weeks when hopefully this more unconventional approach to job seeking will begin to bear fruit.