Breaking Into The World Of Work

One of the best things about being unemployed and looking for a new job is filling out endless application forms, writing cover letters and emailing CVs towards disinterested HR departments. When first starting out on the road to re-employment, I was filled with optimism. Surely people will see that I am perfect for these jobs and hire me immediately without even needing an interview? However, after sending out my 300th application and receiving no acknowledgement whatsoever, I sort of began to lose faith slightly. After the 500th, it seems like things are taking the piss somewhat.

A while back I came to the conclusion that I must be doing something wrong here. Obviously, if I'm not getting anywhere, my methodology must be broken, right?

Let's take a look at the standard cover letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to submit my application for the role of dispensary optician/head of promotions/lyrical MC/chimney sweep/whatever for Microsoft/Burger King/The British National Party/Alton Towers/whoever as advertised on jobseekers.direct.gov.uk/Gardeners World Magazine/railings on a roundabout at junction 5 of the M4/during a lucid dream/etc.


I would be awesome for this job because I can lift four times my own bodyweight/I've never seen any of the Godfather movies/I own and operate my own hovercraft/I went to uni once/something else. I also full fill all of the criteria outlined in the advert/person specification/the lyrics to There She Goes by Manfred Man as a result of my time in prison/the RAF/France/other places. Blah Blah Blah.


Please find my CV attached.
Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate.


Pretty standard eh? Well apparently that isn't getting results, so I've begun to experiment with the cover letter and application formula to see if I can get some better results. Listed below are a few of the different approaches I've tried in the past round of applications. I'll get back to you over the following weeks to update you on my success (or lack thereof).

1. Attaching a picture of my cat Huxley along with the CV and application form.

My thinking behind this is, not only will it make my application stand out more, but also, who can resist that cute kitten? Although I make no reference to Huxley in the rest of the application (it's for a job managing hedgerow replanting), I'm thinking that the lack of cat pictures in applications may be what is currently holding me back.

2. Peppering the cover letter with swearwords in order to make it sound more like The Wire.

Although one of the things that people tell you never to do in a job interview is swear, I've never been advised against this when writing a cover letter. David Simon's incredible drama series The Wire has long been praised for its fantastic writing and is regarded by many to be one of the best drama series of recent years. I hope to build on the success of The Wire in my quest for employment. Let's see how things work out when I Wireify the cover letter:

Dear Sir or motherfucking Madam,

I am writing to submit my fucking application for the role of motherfucking communications officer as advertised up on the reed.co.uk website yo.

I am a fucking environmental science graduate, and love bees and sheep and shit. During my fucking degree course I specialised in renewable fucking low carbon bullshit and am looking to gain skills in marketing and sales and get my ass paid yo. I run fucking report writing and database management skills deep and gots like five fucking years experience in communications and shit. I am fucking detailed and efficient in my work and will seriously fuck your shit up. If it ain't like I'm not highly motivated by a sense of fucking environmental responsibility and a desire to get this shit up in other people's grills then step the fuck off.

Please find my fucking CV and motherfucking Equal Opportunities form attached.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,

Jobless and desperate

Wonder how that one will play out?

3. Messing around with the equal opportunities form.

Not all applications require these things, but increasingly you have to fill out an additional form in order to state how religious or gay you are and to describe any disabilities that you might have. Charities, local government and the civil service seem to love these forms for some reason. Apparently it's something to do with making sure everyone gets a fair bash at employment, so I guess they're a good thing. Usually I just tick the "White British" box, because that's probably the category that most closely describes me. Increasingly though, I've been thinking outside the box and have listed myself in recent times as "White, Inuit", "Gender confused" and suffering from "extreme tinnitus" (actually that last one is partially true). Although I am slightly concerned about the potential legal ramifications of answering these forms with gibberish, I have a sneaking suspicion that no one reads them anyway.

4. MS Paint person specification shenanigans.


Some other advice that employed people are always keen to tell you is that it's important to make sure that you provide examples for every section of the person specification in order to illustrate how exactly it is that you meet the criteria outlined in the job advert. In order to do this, I thought it might be a good idea to get creative with everybody's favourite graphic design program; MS Paint. Here are a few of the drawings I sent out for a recent application and the outline given in the person spec.

Excellent interpersonal and influencing skills.

Regular access to a computer and the ability to use spreadsheet and database packages.

Able to think on ones feet and able to handle unexpected and challenging situations.

Make sure you save your illustrations as .JPG files and not .BMPs. My first attempt to send this application got bounced by their email server because it was over 50 mb in size.

5. Haiku cover letter


Who doesn't like a good haiku eh? They're beautiful and certainly one of the highest art forms ever created by mankind.

Dear Sir or Madam,


I seek employment.
Check out my awesome CV
A job must follow.


Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate

Hell yeah! Out of all of these, I reckon this one has the most chance of succeeding.

Anyway, tune in over the coming weeks when hopefully this more unconventional approach to job seeking will begin to bear fruit.

Etiquette Minefield: Choosing The Right Wine

Deciding on the right wine for the right situation can be a very daunting business. Walk in to any decent off-license or wine merchant and you're likely to be overwhelmed by the number and variety of wines on offer.

Most people who come to me for advice on wine are looking to pick something up for a small-scale social gathering, be it a dinner party, summer barbecue, key party or similar occasion. I am forever being asked, "What's a good wine for fish?" or, "How much should I spend on wine for a birthday present?" That's why I've put together this handy guide explaining the key points to consider when selecting wine, so that the next time you go out boozing, you can do so with confidence.

1. Price
There are essentially four layers of strata when it comes to wine pricing. Which price level you should choose will depend on a variety of factors:

£0.00 - £2.99 The most basic and horrible of plonk. Go for this if you hate everyone else at the party and want them to know it. Includes HappyShopper and Aldi own-brand wines, "homemade wine" and anything that says "Proudly Grown and Bottled in Great Britain" on the label.

£3.00 - £4.99 Once you get over the three pound mark, all wine basically begins to taste the same, but be careful with this stuff. Make sure you correctly judge the quality of the social affair you'll be attending. A £3.99 wine might be acceptable for a gathering of close friends during which you all get blitzed and play Wii Sports, but it is generally too acrid for a really posh dinner party with actual food.

£5.00 - £7.99 This brings us to the third category. Generally speaking, anywhere between a fiver and eight quid should net you a fairly decent wine, and you'll have paid out enough not to feel guilty about how much everyone else might have spent.

£8.00 - £230.00 Spend anything over £8.00 and you're essentially pissing money away, unless you're trying to impress the checkout lady. Also, although it is very unlikely, you run the risk that your host may know a thing or two about wine, recognize your generous purchase, and decide to "save it for another day" (i.e once everyone else has gone home). Acceptable perhaps, but only for those with more money than sense.

2. The Name/Label
Buying wine is very similar to another popular middle class past time; browsing Waterstones for rubbishy holiday paperbacks. People are pretty much always swayed by a nice cover, a wacky font and a catchy name. In my opinion, the label design is without a doubt the most important thing to consider when choosing your wine.

Check out these two examples:

Soaring Kite Viognier Riesling 2007
Wow! Soaring Kite? Doesn't that name paint a beautiful mental image of a majestic kite fluttering on the breeze? Look at that lovely picture on the bottle! If you bring this wine to a party, people will understand that you're artistic, intelligent, poetic and clearly know a lot about wine.

Joseph Drouhin Moulin-à-Vent 2008
I don't even know where to begin with this. What the hell is a Moulin-à-Vent? I think it translates as "windy sheep" or something but I could be wrong. And who is Joseph Drouhin? I have never heard of him, and neither will anyone else at the party. The bottle is boring, with no pretty pictures, and the name is bafflingly unpronounceable. Remember, choosing the right wine is all about impressing people with how smart you are. This stuff won't impress anyone.

As a general rule, you're better off going for a New World wine, because they have better names and prettier labels.

There are of course exceptions to this rule. For example, anything French with the word "Château" in the name and a picture of a tower on the label is usually a good call. Wack a bottle of this stuff on the table, and you and the rest of the guests will be transported back to Normandy of 1944, having just looted a German command post before heading back out into the bocage.


See what I mean?

Wines to Avoid
Remember, the most important thing about choosing wine is showing off how smart you are to people you secretly hate. No one is going to be impressed if you turn up with a wine they recognize from Sainsburys or because it is a proud sponsor of Come Dine With Me.

Therefore, make sure you give the following a wide berth:

Jacob's Creek
JP Chenet
Blossom Hill
Black Tower
Echo Falls
Casillero del Diablo
Wolf Blass
MD 20/20


Remember to ask yourself, what does your choice of wine say about you? This stuff says, 'I sit at home all day in my pants watching repeats of Friends on E4+1". Not very sophisticated, I think you'll agree.

Red or White?
There's an old wives' tale that suggests certain types of wine accompany certain foods better than others. I can tell you for a fact, this is a load of old rubbish. It might be true if you're actually eating decent food, but nine times out of ten, the wine won't make any difference. Red or white, meat or fish, the reason people drink wine is because of its alcohol content, not because they enjoy the subtle aroma of fruity tannins combining with chestnut and daffodil on the nose.

Dessert Wines
If you really want show people how sophisticated you are, I'd definitely recommend going for a dessert wine. It doesn't matter what as they're pretty much all horribly sweet to the point of being undrinkable and your bottle will most likely sit on the table unopened for the entire meal. If someone does accidentally open the dessert wine, make sure you pretend to enjoy drinking the stuff. The other diners will be disgusted by it, but impressed by your apparently refined palette.

Just look at that stuff. Yech!

If you stick to the above points, people will be impressed by your knowledge and ability with selecting wine. Everyone will think that you're much smarter than you really are and fame and fortune will almost certainly come your way. You might even end up writing for the Sunday Times Food and Drink supplement or something.

However, it might be handy to remember a few choice phrases to throw into conversation, just to remind people how much you know about wine. Here's a selection you can have for free:

"Of course there hasn't been a decent Malbec out of Argentina since 2006."

"Say what you like about it, but at the end of the day, Rioja is Rioja."

"I tend to find Pinot Noir a little too resilient for my liking."

"The thing with the Aussies is, it's not what they put into their wine, but what they take out."

If you have any questions about wine or wine tasting, hit me up on the email or Facebook and I'll try and answer as best I can.

Bon Appetit!