Rise of the Jukebox Vandals

Time was when a jukebox was just a big stereo, filled with a pile of 45s or CDs. You stick your 20p in, make your choice from a selection consisting of Rod Stewart, The Beatles and some weird compilation of Seventies Rock (the kind that gets heavily advertised on TV in the week before Father's Day) and that was it. Music plays, no one has a good time.


However, over the last decade, jukebox technology, fuelled by the internet, has evolved rapidly into an all together different beast. These days the digital jukebox is more likely to be hooked up to the internet, offering an almost unlimited range of tracks to choose from and thereby providing the perfect opportunity for sociopathic misanthropes to strike out at society.


I can't imagine what would drive someone to highjack a jukebox in order to facilitate antisocial behaviour, or what sort of socially-damaged individual would find enjoyment in such an activity, but here's a selection of fun things to try out next time you're in the pub and you've run out of stuff to talk about.

Brute Force
Obviously, if you want to just upset everyone in the pub, it's perfectly easy to just stick five quid in the thing and set Spice Up Your Life running twenty times, but this is far too unsubtle.

As an act of vandalism, it's the equivalent of replacing every word on the History of The United States Wikipedia page with the word "Shitfuck" repeated eight thousand times. It's briefly hilarious, but there's just no satisfaction in it. It lacks finesse.

Just as a Wikipedia admin will quickly revert the page back to it's original state and ban your IP, so too will the jukebox be turned off and you'll likely get glassed if you spam it with crap music.

True Playaz
A much better technique for causing grief is to queue up endless drum and bass on the jukebox, because no one likes drum and bass music. As a bonus, if you close your eyes you can pretend that your local pub is actually The End.

Festive Cheer
This one only works if it's the height of summer, but why not create a nice festive atmosphere by putting all the Xmas songs on at once?

Descent Into Madness
The most effective form of jukebox vandalism also requires the most patience, but if you get it right it's certainly the most rewarding.

Correct track selection is essential for this to work. Pick something with a big stupid chorus or obvious intro. My weapon of choice is Dire Straits - Walk Of Life, but something like Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time or Jackson 5 - ABC can be equally effective.

Queue up your battle track, then five other random songs, then your selected track again, followed by another four tracks, then your selected track, then another three and so on and so forth until you get down to just your song. Then line it up a few more times for good measure.

In this way, everyone gets to hear Dire Straits repeated endlessly without actually realising it, and you get the satisfaction of pissing seven quid away in exchange for the knowledge that everyone in the pub will have Walk Of Life stuck in their heads the next day.

Hope you're happy with yourself.

Etiquette Minefield: Choosing The Right Wine

Deciding on the right wine for the right situation can be a very daunting business. Walk in to any decent off-license or wine merchant and you're likely to be overwhelmed by the number and variety of wines on offer.

Most people who come to me for advice on wine are looking to pick something up for a small-scale social gathering, be it a dinner party, summer barbecue, key party or similar occasion. I am forever being asked, "What's a good wine for fish?" or, "How much should I spend on wine for a birthday present?" That's why I've put together this handy guide explaining the key points to consider when selecting wine, so that the next time you go out boozing, you can do so with confidence.

1. Price
There are essentially four layers of strata when it comes to wine pricing. Which price level you should choose will depend on a variety of factors:

£0.00 - £2.99 The most basic and horrible of plonk. Go for this if you hate everyone else at the party and want them to know it. Includes HappyShopper and Aldi own-brand wines, "homemade wine" and anything that says "Proudly Grown and Bottled in Great Britain" on the label.

£3.00 - £4.99 Once you get over the three pound mark, all wine basically begins to taste the same, but be careful with this stuff. Make sure you correctly judge the quality of the social affair you'll be attending. A £3.99 wine might be acceptable for a gathering of close friends during which you all get blitzed and play Wii Sports, but it is generally too acrid for a really posh dinner party with actual food.

£5.00 - £7.99 This brings us to the third category. Generally speaking, anywhere between a fiver and eight quid should net you a fairly decent wine, and you'll have paid out enough not to feel guilty about how much everyone else might have spent.

£8.00 - £230.00 Spend anything over £8.00 and you're essentially pissing money away, unless you're trying to impress the checkout lady. Also, although it is very unlikely, you run the risk that your host may know a thing or two about wine, recognize your generous purchase, and decide to "save it for another day" (i.e once everyone else has gone home). Acceptable perhaps, but only for those with more money than sense.

2. The Name/Label
Buying wine is very similar to another popular middle class past time; browsing Waterstones for rubbishy holiday paperbacks. People are pretty much always swayed by a nice cover, a wacky font and a catchy name. In my opinion, the label design is without a doubt the most important thing to consider when choosing your wine.

Check out these two examples:

Soaring Kite Viognier Riesling 2007
Wow! Soaring Kite? Doesn't that name paint a beautiful mental image of a majestic kite fluttering on the breeze? Look at that lovely picture on the bottle! If you bring this wine to a party, people will understand that you're artistic, intelligent, poetic and clearly know a lot about wine.

Joseph Drouhin Moulin-à-Vent 2008
I don't even know where to begin with this. What the hell is a Moulin-à-Vent? I think it translates as "windy sheep" or something but I could be wrong. And who is Joseph Drouhin? I have never heard of him, and neither will anyone else at the party. The bottle is boring, with no pretty pictures, and the name is bafflingly unpronounceable. Remember, choosing the right wine is all about impressing people with how smart you are. This stuff won't impress anyone.

As a general rule, you're better off going for a New World wine, because they have better names and prettier labels.

There are of course exceptions to this rule. For example, anything French with the word "Château" in the name and a picture of a tower on the label is usually a good call. Wack a bottle of this stuff on the table, and you and the rest of the guests will be transported back to Normandy of 1944, having just looted a German command post before heading back out into the bocage.


See what I mean?

Wines to Avoid
Remember, the most important thing about choosing wine is showing off how smart you are to people you secretly hate. No one is going to be impressed if you turn up with a wine they recognize from Sainsburys or because it is a proud sponsor of Come Dine With Me.

Therefore, make sure you give the following a wide berth:

Jacob's Creek
JP Chenet
Blossom Hill
Black Tower
Echo Falls
Casillero del Diablo
Wolf Blass
MD 20/20


Remember to ask yourself, what does your choice of wine say about you? This stuff says, 'I sit at home all day in my pants watching repeats of Friends on E4+1". Not very sophisticated, I think you'll agree.

Red or White?
There's an old wives' tale that suggests certain types of wine accompany certain foods better than others. I can tell you for a fact, this is a load of old rubbish. It might be true if you're actually eating decent food, but nine times out of ten, the wine won't make any difference. Red or white, meat or fish, the reason people drink wine is because of its alcohol content, not because they enjoy the subtle aroma of fruity tannins combining with chestnut and daffodil on the nose.

Dessert Wines
If you really want show people how sophisticated you are, I'd definitely recommend going for a dessert wine. It doesn't matter what as they're pretty much all horribly sweet to the point of being undrinkable and your bottle will most likely sit on the table unopened for the entire meal. If someone does accidentally open the dessert wine, make sure you pretend to enjoy drinking the stuff. The other diners will be disgusted by it, but impressed by your apparently refined palette.

Just look at that stuff. Yech!

If you stick to the above points, people will be impressed by your knowledge and ability with selecting wine. Everyone will think that you're much smarter than you really are and fame and fortune will almost certainly come your way. You might even end up writing for the Sunday Times Food and Drink supplement or something.

However, it might be handy to remember a few choice phrases to throw into conversation, just to remind people how much you know about wine. Here's a selection you can have for free:

"Of course there hasn't been a decent Malbec out of Argentina since 2006."

"Say what you like about it, but at the end of the day, Rioja is Rioja."

"I tend to find Pinot Noir a little too resilient for my liking."

"The thing with the Aussies is, it's not what they put into their wine, but what they take out."

If you have any questions about wine or wine tasting, hit me up on the email or Facebook and I'll try and answer as best I can.

Bon Appetit!

Ten Of The Best: Breakfast Wines

With all this talk of minimum pricing for alcohol and the Government threatening to raise the tax on white cider, I thought it might be a nice time to discuss that little considered category of booze; the breakfast wine.

Now obviously, any wine can be a breakfast wine, but here are ten of my favourites that I find particularly good at fighting off the shakes, nausea, hallucinations and other unfortunate side-effects generally felt after a month long bender.

1. Oxford Landing Cabernet Shiraz - £6.64 Per Bottle.


A spicy and poorly structured Cabernet, which rapidly differentiates into plum and liquorice on the palate. I find Shiraz wines particularly effective as an eye-opener because their high acidity and confrontational levels of tannins help to clear the fur from the tongue after a night on the organic scrumpy.



2. First Cape South African Rose - £3.20 Per Bottle.


Rose wines have seen a surge in popularity in recent years, particularly among underage drinkers. This is mainly due to their similarities in both appearance and taste to undiluted Robinson's High Juice. I find this cheeky little number the perfect "morning after" remedy to a weekend of manly lager drinking. Crispy and fresh, with just a hint of strawberry and blouses.



3. Wolf Blass Platinum Label Barossa Shiraz - £55 Per Bottle.


A fruity and magnanimous aroma which quickly gives way to a rich, velvety texture. Heavy on the nose, with a hint of uncontrolled riboflavin. £55 might seem like a lot to pay for a bottle of wine, but remember that you can fill the empty bottle up with any £2.99 corner shop red and return it to wherever you bought it, claiming that it's corked. It is highly unlikely anyone will argue with you, especially if you wear a bow tie.



4. Jacobs Creek Pinot Grigio - £6.64 Per Bottle.


Distinctive and zesty as only a Pinot Grigio can be, I find this one mixes particularly well with a half pint of gin and a few cans of that foul green energy drink that you can only buy in Poundland, for a perfect, "Get Me To The Job Centre On Time" pick me up.



5. Louis Roederer Cristal 2002 - £145 Per Bottle.


Champagne is lovely, so why save it for a special occasion? Live your life like an awful millionaire rap star and start your day with a couple of bottles of Cristal. Crisp and complex, with a disappointing finish that will leave you regretting spending nearly a grand on six bottles of fizzy water.



6. Chateauneuf-du-Pape Gonnet Freres 2006 - £18.99 Per Bottle.


A baffling and intensely fruity red, with crude, spicy notes on the palate. I include it in this list because the stuff has a very long lifespan and remains drinkable even as late as 48 hours after being poured. I've lost count of the number of times I've stumbled across a half finished glass whilst trying to clean up the morning after a debauched cheese and wine evening.



7. Warre's Warrior Port 75cl - £7.59 Per Bottle.


Whilst fortified wines have long been the preserve of alcoholic uncles and aunts, this soupy chap lashes out against such a fait accompli and prices itself into our breakfast range, offering a solid 20% ABV for a limited financial investment. Best served with a full English breakfast, including black pudding and Jaffa Cakes. It's certain to leave your heart pounding, and your left arm throbbing in pain.



8. Country Manor Medium Sweet (3L) - £11.99 Per Box.


Whilst not as sophisticated as some of the other wines on this list, Country Manor Medium Sweet has one major advantage over its more refined competitors and that is its vast bulk. Although not very strong at only 7.5%, the sheer volume of liquid available in a box of this stuff will easily keep you ticking over until lunch. Hostile, fruity notes combine with just a slight hint of Amyl Nitrite on the nose.



9. MD 20/20 - Roughly £4.99 Per Bottle.


MD 20/20 (also known as Mad Dog 20/20) isn't so much a breakfast wine as a cry for help, but due to the destructive effects it has on one's bowels, it'll certainly get you out of bed. Originally developed in the 1960s by the US Air Force as a high yield defoliant for deployment over the jungles of North Vietnam and Laos, MD 20/20 is actually quite hard to track down in the UK. I get mine imported direct from the US, but if you look hard enough in any dodgy London off-license, you're bound to find a few dusty bottles of the stuff. Even well after it's sell by date, it remains eminently drinkable. Definitely one for the cellar.



10. Carlsberg Special Brew - Approx. £5.99 for four cans.


And so finally we come to Carlsberg Special Brew. Self-proclaimed wine purists might argue that this stuff isn't a wine at all, but a super-strength lager. However, clocking in at a disconcerting 9% ABV. per can, I'd argue that it's basically a breakfast wine. Mixes the heady aroma of a Wigan Pier donk night, with the subtle tones of barley, similar to waking up on a brisk spring morning face down in the effluent channel of a Ukrainian coke plant, two miles outside the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone. If you're drinking this for breakfast, then you've probably given up on life. Two thumbs up.


If none of the above match your requirements for breakfast nourishment, then I can only recommend mixing and matching two or more of them together in a blender and stirring it into the breakfast cereal of your choice. By the time this stuff smashes its way into your hepatocytes, you won't even be able to say hangover.

All the best!