One of the best things about being unemployed and looking for a new job is filling out endless application forms, writing cover letters and emailing CVs towards disinterested HR departments. When first starting out on the road to re-employment, I was filled with optimism. Surely people will see that I am perfect for these jobs and hire me immediately without even needing an interview? However, after sending out my 300th application and receiving no acknowledgement whatsoever, I sort of began to lose faith slightly. After the 500th, it seems like things are taking the piss somewhat.
A while back I came to the conclusion that I must be doing something wrong here. Obviously, if I'm not getting anywhere, my methodology must be broken, right?
Let's take a look at the standard cover letter:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to submit my application for the role of dispensary optician/head of promotions/lyrical MC/chimney sweep/whatever for Microsoft/Burger King/The British National Party/Alton Towers/whoever as advertised on jobseekers.direct.gov.uk/Gardeners World Magazine/railings on a roundabout at junction 5 of the M4/during a lucid dream/etc.
I would be awesome for this job because I can lift four times my own bodyweight/I've never seen any of the Godfather movies/I own and operate my own hovercraft/I went to uni once/something else. I also full fill all of the criteria outlined in the advert/person specification/the lyrics to There She Goes by Manfred Man as a result of my time in prison/the RAF/France/other places. Blah Blah Blah.
Please find my CV attached.
Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate.
Pretty standard eh? Well apparently that isn't getting results, so I've begun to experiment with the cover letter and application formula to see if I can get some better results. Listed below are a few of the different approaches I've tried in the past round of applications. I'll get back to you over the following weeks to update you on my success (or lack thereof).
1. Attaching a picture of my cat Huxley along with the CV and application form.
My thinking behind this is, not only will it make my application stand out more, but also, who can resist that cute kitten? Although I make no reference to Huxley in the rest of the application (it's for a job managing hedgerow replanting), I'm thinking that the lack of cat pictures in applications may be what is currently holding me back.
2. Peppering the cover letter with swearwords in order to make it sound more like The Wire.
Although one of the things that people tell you never to do in a job interview is swear, I've never been advised against this when writing a cover letter. David Simon's incredible drama series The Wire has long been praised for its fantastic writing and is regarded by many to be one of the best drama series of recent years. I hope to build on the success of The Wire in my quest for employment. Let's see how things work out when I Wireify the cover letter:
Dear Sir or motherfucking Madam,
I am writing to submit my fucking application for the role of motherfucking communications officer as advertised up on the reed.co.uk website yo.
I am a fucking environmental science graduate, and love bees and sheep and shit. During my fucking degree course I specialised in renewable fucking low carbon bullshit and am looking to gain skills in marketing and sales and get my ass paid yo. I run fucking report writing and database management skills deep and gots like five fucking years experience in communications and shit. I am fucking detailed and efficient in my work and will seriously fuck your shit up. If it ain't like I'm not highly motivated by a sense of fucking environmental responsibility and a desire to get this shit up in other people's grills then step the fuck off.
Please find my fucking CV and motherfucking Equal Opportunities form attached.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,
Jobless and desperate
Wonder how that one will play out?
3. Messing around with the equal opportunities form.
Not all applications require these things, but increasingly you have to fill out an additional form in order to state how religious or gay you are and to describe any disabilities that you might have. Charities, local government and the civil service seem to love these forms for some reason. Apparently it's something to do with making sure everyone gets a fair bash at employment, so I guess they're a good thing. Usually I just tick the "White British" box, because that's probably the category that most closely describes me. Increasingly though, I've been thinking outside the box and have listed myself in recent times as "White, Inuit", "Gender confused" and suffering from "extreme tinnitus" (actually that last one is partially true). Although I am slightly concerned about the potential legal ramifications of answering these forms with gibberish, I have a sneaking suspicion that no one reads them anyway.
4. MS Paint person specification shenanigans.
Some other advice that employed people are always keen to tell you is that it's important to make sure that you provide examples for every section of the person specification in order to illustrate how exactly it is that you meet the criteria outlined in the job advert. In order to do this, I thought it might be a good idea to get creative with everybody's favourite graphic design program; MS Paint. Here are a few of the drawings I sent out for a recent application and the outline given in the person spec.
Excellent interpersonal and influencing skills.
Regular access to a computer and the ability to use spreadsheet and database packages.
Able to think on ones feet and able to handle unexpected and challenging situations.
Make sure you save your illustrations as .JPG files and not .BMPs. My first attempt to send this application got bounced by their email server because it was over 50 mb in size.
5. Haiku cover letter
Who doesn't like a good haiku eh? They're beautiful and certainly one of the highest art forms ever created by mankind.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I seek employment.
Check out my awesome CV
A job must follow.
Yours sincerely
Jobless and desperate
Hell yeah! Out of all of these, I reckon this one has the most chance of succeeding.
Anyway, tune in over the coming weeks when hopefully this more unconventional approach to job seeking will begin to bear fruit.
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